Ohohoy!

While everyone waits for the resumption of the hearing, doubtful that even the short shadow of the president would enter the (un)hallowed halls of the senate, Alan Peter strides across the session hall in his full military gala uniform. Everyone seems to be puzzled at the behavior of the young senator. It seems that he has elevated grandstanding to another level, not unlike the hype that we see in noontime TV shows. Oh how I wish his delusions would come with scantily clad gyrating dancers.

All of a sudden, from behind the door comes a familiar nasal and shrieking voice.

GMA: Where’s that imp?!!! You know, I should be in China right now playing golf with my Chinese buddies and Ben Burjer.

MR. A: An imp, by definition, is a mischievous little devil or demon. I’d say ‘Look who’s talking!’ but mischievous is a gross understatement of what this president has already accomplished.

GMA: Let’s get this over with so I can go back and serve my country.

Alan Peter: (Somewhat surprised that his bluff was called by the president and now quite nervous and agitated as he really has nothing much prepared except for the fact that he watched an old Tom Cruise/ Jack Nicholson movie the night before.) Please give the oath to Mrs. Arroyo.

GMA refuses the bible handed to her and asks for her own bible. It’s a red miniature Gideon New Testament Bible as this fits perfectly in her hand. I’m sure you’ve seen one of those before. She takes her oath and asks for the presidential high chair, customized by Pampanga furniture makers, to be placed on the witness stand.

Alan Peter: Mrs. Arroyo, you appointed Mr. Bolante as undersecretary of the Department of Agriculture. Is that correct?

GMA: Yes.

Alan Peter: Did you also give him permission to use P728 million in funds to use for campaign funds?

GMA: No. Are you accusing me Alan Peter?

Alan Peter: No Mrs. Arroyo, I’m just asking if you had any hand in the fertilizer fund scam.

GMA: I deny all accusations and had nothing to do with this funding. The DA worked with their allotted budget and used all for appropriate programs.

From the back of the session hall, Jose De Venecia and Ben Abalos enter the room and sit in front near the opposition senators and Alan Peter. Just then, GMA shows a little uneasiness as she tries to figure out why Abalos, the broker for the ZTE deal and a loyal supporter, would be sitting together with JDV, her former ally and now opponent. Even more perplexing for her is that they’re both seating with the opposition.

GMA: (whispering to herself) Great all I need now is Angelo Reyes chitchatting with Jinggoy.

Alan Peter: Mrs. Arroyo, you’re an economist right? And being an economist it was your priority when you first assumed office to fix the economic troubles of the country. When you first assumed office you wanted to manage all the funds of the government. Is that correct?

GMA: (bragging a little) Yes. It is my priority to stabilize the economy of the country and if I have to do the accounting for all the government transactions myself, I’ll do it.

Alan Peter: So how is the economy right now?

GMA: It is doing very well. Our GNP is increasing and inflation is going down. My economic policies are strong enough that the country would not be hard hit by the recession that is being felt all over the world right now.

Alan Peter: So can you safely say that your leadership and economic expertise is the main reason that is saving the country right now from a virtual meltdown?

GMA: Definitely!

Alan Peter: Do you micromanage Mrs. Arroyo? I mean, do you look at details of how the government works?

GMA: Yes. I see to it that everything is in order and that I’m always under control.

Alan Peter: I have here a list of all the budget requests that you personally approved since you assumed office. You even personally approved the budget for Manny Pacquiao’s cake! My question to you Mrs. Arroyo, before I call on Congressman De Venecia and Mr. Benjamin Abalos to the stand, if you approve all the budgets of the government especially the big funds, why did you let the P728 million fertilizer fund pass? Why did you give all the authority to the DA and you didn’t even question the amount or where it’s going to? In fact, if Mr. Bolante is telling the truth, you don’t even know about the fund. How can someone who (as Sen. Roxas mentioned a while ago) micromanages all the details of her administration let P728 million go without notice? Are you aware that the funds went to your allies and political party mates?

GMA is smiling….

… and now she can’t help but let out a short laugh.

Alan Peter: Is this funny Mrs. Arroyo?

GMA: No. It’s not. It’s tragic.

Alan Peter: Do you have an answer? If you give approval to everything and as everyone knows you are always in control, why did you let JocJoc Bolante handle the P728 million without you knowing it?

GMA: Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.

Alan Peter: No Ma’am. You just said a minute ago that you are always in control and that your men don’t take matter into their own hands. I can have the court reporter read back…

GMA: I know what I said. I don’t need it read back to me like a damn…

Alan Peter: Then why did JocJoc approve the funds and not you?

Mrs. Arroyo?

Why did JocJoc…

GMA: You little bastard.

Alan Peter: JocJoc used the funds because you ordered him to do so.

You ordered JocJoc to approve the funds so you can use it for your campaign didn’t you?

You took the money and gave it all to your congressman allies.

You cheated on the election that’s why you called Garci. You took billions from the North Rail Project. You could have taken billions from the ZTE scam. JDV has pictures to prove it. I’ll ask again Mrs. Arroyo? Did you take the money?

GMA: You want answers?

Alan Peter: I think I’m entitled to them.

GMA: You want answers?!

Alan Peter: I want the truth!

GMA: You can’t handle the truth!

Alan Peter: Did you take the money?

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GMA: NO! FG Mike Arroyo did.

Mar Roxas: PUTANG INA!

Mr. A: Ohohoy!

GMA: I am sorry.

The previous event only took place in Mr. A’s imagination. It did not actually happen although it could probably have been the same dream that Alan Peter Cayetano might have had.

At present, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano is no longer the Chairman of the Blue Ribbon Committee investigating the Fertilizer Fund Scam. He was replaced by Sen. Richard Gordon after a Senate coup where Senate President Manny Villar was replaced by Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile.

Meanwhile, the lamentable plight of the Philippine farmers continue with the recent landlord ruled Congress resolved to remove provision of the law for mandatory acquisition and distribution of lands.

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