Ohohoy!

While everyone waits for the resumption of the hearing, doubtful that even the short shadow of the president would enter the (un)hallowed halls of the senate, Alan Peter strides across the session hall in his full military gala uniform. Everyone seems to be puzzled at the behavior of the young senator. It seems that he has elevated grandstanding to another level, not unlike the hype that we see in noontime TV shows. Oh how I wish his delusions would come with scantily clad gyrating dancers.

All of a sudden, from behind the door comes a familiar nasal and shrieking voice.

GMA: Where’s that imp?!!! You know, I should be in China right now playing golf with my Chinese buddies and Ben Burjer.

MR. A: An imp, by definition, is a mischievous little devil or demon. I’d say ‘Look who’s talking!’ but mischievous is a gross understatement of what this president has already accomplished.

GMA: Let’s get this over with so I can go back and serve my country.

Alan Peter: (Somewhat surprised that his bluff was called by the president and now quite nervous and agitated as he really has nothing much prepared except for the fact that he watched an old Tom Cruise/ Jack Nicholson movie the night before.) Please give the oath to Mrs. Arroyo.

GMA refuses the bible handed to her and asks for her own bible. It’s a red miniature Gideon New Testament Bible as this fits perfectly in her hand. I’m sure you’ve seen one of those before. She takes her oath and asks for the presidential high chair, customized by Pampanga furniture makers, to be placed on the witness stand.

Alan Peter: Mrs. Arroyo, you appointed Mr. Bolante as undersecretary of the Department of Agriculture. Is that correct?

GMA: Yes.

Alan Peter: Did you also give him permission to use P728 million in funds to use for campaign funds?

GMA: No. Are you accusing me Alan Peter?

Alan Peter: No Mrs. Arroyo, I’m just asking if you had any hand in the fertilizer fund scam.

GMA: I deny all accusations and had nothing to do with this funding. The DA worked with their allotted budget and used all for appropriate programs.

From the back of the session hall, Jose De Venecia and Ben Abalos enter the room and sit in front near the opposition senators and Alan Peter. Just then, GMA shows a little uneasiness as she tries to figure out why Abalos, the broker for the ZTE deal and a loyal supporter, would be sitting together with JDV, her former ally and now opponent. Even more perplexing for her is that they’re both seating with the opposition.

GMA: (whispering to herself) Great all I need now is Angelo Reyes chitchatting with Jinggoy.

Alan Peter: Mrs. Arroyo, you’re an economist right? And being an economist it was your priority when you first assumed office to fix the economic troubles of the country. When you first assumed office you wanted to manage all the funds of the government. Is that correct?

GMA: (bragging a little) Yes. It is my priority to stabilize the economy of the country and if I have to do the accounting for all the government transactions myself, I’ll do it.

Alan Peter: So how is the economy right now?

GMA: It is doing very well. Our GNP is increasing and inflation is going down. My economic policies are strong enough that the country would not be hard hit by the recession that is being felt all over the world right now.

Alan Peter: So can you safely say that your leadership and economic expertise is the main reason that is saving the country right now from a virtual meltdown?

GMA: Definitely!

Alan Peter: Do you micromanage Mrs. Arroyo? I mean, do you look at details of how the government works?

GMA: Yes. I see to it that everything is in order and that I’m always under control.

Alan Peter: I have here a list of all the budget requests that you personally approved since you assumed office. You even personally approved the budget for Manny Pacquiao’s cake! My question to you Mrs. Arroyo, before I call on Congressman De Venecia and Mr. Benjamin Abalos to the stand, if you approve all the budgets of the government especially the big funds, why did you let the P728 million fertilizer fund pass? Why did you give all the authority to the DA and you didn’t even question the amount or where it’s going to? In fact, if Mr. Bolante is telling the truth, you don’t even know about the fund. How can someone who (as Sen. Roxas mentioned a while ago) micromanages all the details of her administration let P728 million go without notice? Are you aware that the funds went to your allies and political party mates?

GMA is smiling….

… and now she can’t help but let out a short laugh.

Alan Peter: Is this funny Mrs. Arroyo?

GMA: No. It’s not. It’s tragic.

Alan Peter: Do you have an answer? If you give approval to everything and as everyone knows you are always in control, why did you let JocJoc Bolante handle the P728 million without you knowing it?

GMA: Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.

Alan Peter: No Ma’am. You just said a minute ago that you are always in control and that your men don’t take matter into their own hands. I can have the court reporter read back…

GMA: I know what I said. I don’t need it read back to me like a damn…

Alan Peter: Then why did JocJoc approve the funds and not you?

Mrs. Arroyo?

Why did JocJoc…

GMA: You little bastard.

Alan Peter: JocJoc used the funds because you ordered him to do so.

You ordered JocJoc to approve the funds so you can use it for your campaign didn’t you?

You took the money and gave it all to your congressman allies.

You cheated on the election that’s why you called Garci. You took billions from the North Rail Project. You could have taken billions from the ZTE scam. JDV has pictures to prove it. I’ll ask again Mrs. Arroyo? Did you take the money?

GMA: You want answers?

Alan Peter: I think I’m entitled to them.

GMA: You want answers?!

Alan Peter: I want the truth!

GMA: You can’t handle the truth!

Alan Peter: Did you take the money?

.

.

.

.

.

.

GMA: NO! FG Mike Arroyo did.

Mar Roxas: PUTANG INA!

Mr. A: Ohohoy!

GMA: I am sorry.

The previous event only took place in Mr. A’s imagination. It did not actually happen although it could probably have been the same dream that Alan Peter Cayetano might have had.

At present, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano is no longer the Chairman of the Blue Ribbon Committee investigating the Fertilizer Fund Scam. He was replaced by Sen. Richard Gordon after a Senate coup where Senate President Manny Villar was replaced by Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile.

Meanwhile, the lamentable plight of the Philippine farmers continue with the recent landlord ruled Congress resolved to remove provision of the law for mandatory acquisition and distribution of lands.

On February 3, 2004, the Department of Agriculture released P728 million supposedly for agricultural needs of congressional districts, towns and provinces.  Coincidentally, the release was timed just before the start of the campaign period for the May 2004 elections.  The funds were disbursed to 105 congressmen, 53 governors, and 23 city and municipal mayors, most of whom are allies of President Gloria Arroyo. 

In 2005, the Senate Agricultural Committee and the Commission on Audit (COA) concluded that this funding was a scam and a “grand agricultural theft” aimed to bankroll the campaign of Gloria Arroyo and her allies. 

The committee pointed out several reasons for this conclusion. Here are some of the reasons:

 ·      There was no public bidding for the project. 

·       It was released during harvest season and not planting season, hence, there was no real need for it. 

·       It was a single appropriation for 2004 only.  It also dwarfed previous fertilizer appropriations.  In 2003, the budget was P28 million.

·       They bought the wrong fertilizer which was 700% to 1,250% overpriced.  Moreover, they found out that these fertilizers were watered down.

·       The transactions had ghost suppliers and ghost recipients.

The scam was said to be perpetuated by Department of Agriculture Undersecretary   Jocelyn “JocJoc” Bolante”, a good friend of the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo.  JocJoc, the main accused, went into hiding in the United States for almost 3 years.  He applied for political asylum but was denied by the US government.

On October 27, 2008, JocJoc returned to the Philippines and was quickly arrested by the Senate.  However, he spent 2 weeks in the hospital claiming that he was sick. (as all other accused corrupt government officials cohorts in this country are wont to do when they are summoned by the Senate). 

On November 13, 2008, JocJoc arrived at the Philippine Senate for questioning.  Here is what transpired: (As what I, Mr. A, have gathered)

Senator Alan Peter Cayetano, the young senator from Taguig and head of the Blue Ribbon Committee that will interrogate Bolante will preside over the Senate inquiry.  Sen. Cayetano was voted into office mainly because of his staunch stand against the Arroyo government particularly the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo.

The day starts with the usual Senate formalities.  Senator Migz Zubiri then takes the floor.  He quickly denies all allegations that he was a recipient of P5million that came from the controversial fund.  He admits being offered the amount but his district needed roads and not fertilizers so he asked that he get funding for roads instead.  Fuming mad, he inhibits himself from the proceedings out of delicadeza.  Or so he says. 

After the Migz Zubiri drama, JocJoc takes his oath (which never seems to amount to anything in any Senate inquiry) and in a calm and composed manner says his opening statements.  Calmly and graciously, and as if there’s nothing to hide, he apologizes for not showing up in previous Senate inquiries and explains what happened to him in the past 2 years. 

First to ask is Presidential hopeful Senator Mar Roxas.

MAR: Finally, after two and a half years, nandito ka na rin. Not because of your own free will, but because naubos na ang proseso doon sa Amerika sa iyong appeal for asylum, at inihatid ka rito ng mga US marshall sa ating bansa, kung saan inaresto ka ng Senado sa airport, at iyan ang dahilan kung bakit nandito ka. Magsimula tayo sa totoo: not because of your own free will, but because all of the attempts that you undertook to evade failed, and now finally, after two and a half years, you are here. Kailan inaprubahan ni Presidente Arroyo yung paggamit nitong pondo na ito para sa kanyang eleksyon? (When did Pres. Arroyo approve the use of this fund for her election?)

MR. A: WTF! Do you actually believe he will answer that?  Was he born yesterday? Where did you get that style of questioning?  Surprise attack? Did your girlfriend Korina ask you yesterday while you two were having coffee in the morning, “Mar, are you fucking your other girlfriend tonight”?  Damn! But you did wake me up while I was driving on the highway.

Joc-Joc: (as if not surprised by the question.  WTF! Was I the only one?)  Your honor, President Arroyo was not involved in this particular project of the Department of Agriculture. The implementation of the P728-million farm input-farm implement program was approved by DBM without the approval of President Arroyo.

MAR: Mahirap paniwalaan iyan, Mr. Bolante, dahilan sa kilala natin ang Pangulo, na siya ay isang micromanager.…. Imposible na ganitong kalaking halaga ay ire-release na hindi magkaroon ng approval mula sa Pangulo.

Joc-Joc: Una sa lahat, I would like to clarify that the P728-million farm input-farm implement funding was not a unique funding for 2004. It is a funding activity in the DA present in all banner programs in the DA… ..  (He is still unbelievably composed for someone who’s said to be suffering from chronic ulcers and hypertension)

MAR: Iyan ang sinasabi mo, Mr. Bolante. We also have the records…..P728 million, which by the way, was originally P28 million as designed by the DA. Lumobo ito sa P728 million for 2004, and since 2004, hindi na ganitong kalaki ang pondo nito. Saan nanggaling ang listahan ng mga recipients na ito? Ikaw ba ang nag-apruba nito? Paano nagawa itong listahan?

JocJoc answers the question indirectly.

MAR: Mr. Bolante, mahirap kasi sikmurahin yung pambobola mo…..

MAR: Mr. Bolante, please answer the question. It was submitted, submitted under your signature, it was attached to the request - how did the list come about?

Joc-Joc: The list was prepared by my office, which was tasked by the Department of Agriculture to put together all pending requests for funding coming from different local government units…..

MAR: Kayo lang ang gumawa ng listahang ito?

Joc-Joc: My office.

MAR: So paanong 105 congressmen lang? Hindi ako makapaniwala and I’m sure that there are other congressmen who have requested. So paano na itong 105 lang ang nasa listahan? At paano na ang actually released ay limited lamang dito sa 105 congressmen, 53 governors, 23 mayors? Ano ang proseso? Again, sinasabi mo sa akin na ikaw lang ang gumawa nito? Iyan ba ang testimonya mo?

Joc-Joc: Hindi lang po ako, my office staff assisted me, because that is one of the functions of my office.

MR. A:  Yes,  the office staff.  The oh so powerful office staff.

MAR: Meaning, you did not obtain any approval from your principal? From the President?

Joc-Joc: No, your honor.

MAR:” Napakahirap namang lunukin niyan. Alam naman natin na walang kumikilos dito sa gobyerno natin na hindi naaaprubahan ng kataas-taasang opisyal dito.

MR. A:  Well senator, it seems that most corruption cases here are not approved by the President… the ZTE, North Rail and now this.  She must be really stupid.

MAR: This is really difficult to accept… We had hoped that we would receive the truth here, but this has no semblance to it. This program was designed for kurakot. There is no approval. This is just you on your own. And therefore, you will be the only one to be held to court here if that is your testimony. Let me go to another point. Do you know this person? (shows picture of former DA employee, the late Marlene Esperat) Kilala niyo ba siya?

MR. A:  I swear I’ve seen this before in some TV show or Hollywood movie.

MAR: Her name is Marlene Esperat. Do you remember that she filed a case against you before the Ombudsman?

Joc-Joc: I heard about the report that she was murdered

MAR: She was murdered because she was trying to stop these anomalies that started in 2003. And now we are talking about 2004 activities. These anomalies had ballooned to P728 million and if you are saying you were in charge of these, you did not do anything to correct it, and in fact designed the distribution, and the purchase and the use of funds in a manner so that it is easily “kurakoted” ? (Shows a second picture) This is what she looked like after she was shot.

MR. A: KURAKOTED! How eloquent Mr. Senator.  I’m sure your grandfather is turning in his grave right now.  OK enough of Mar Roxas.  I’m sure I’ll hear a lot more of you come election time.

Ohohoy! Next to ask is Sen. Jinggoy Estrada!  I wonder what kind of questioning style he is bringing into the proceedings.

Jinggoy, having had little sleep after preparing overnight for the nationally televised proceedings takes the microphone.  He was up all night watching WWE specials, 300 and his best actor award winning movie  “Katas ng Saudi”.  The lack of sleep doesn’t deter him and he comes off firing.

Jinggoy:  Sino yan mga kasama mo sa likod?  Are they your lawyers?  Ayan sa likod mo abogado mo ba yan? Magpakilala nga kayo.

Joc Joc:  Eto po si….

Jinggoy: Let them introduce themselves.

Lawyer:  I answer by the name of …. (Damn I forgot! Lawyers… he could just have said “I am…”)

Jinggoy:  Ayan sa likod mo… sino yan?

Joc Joc:  This is Joey Montes your honor.  He helps me with my medicine.

Jinggoy:  Joey Montes?  Or Felix Montes?  Are you a nurse? Sino pa yun iba mo kasama dyan?

Felix Montes was a former Assistant Secretary of the Department of Agriculture.  And yes, Joc Joc apparently needs help in carrying his medicine bag. 

MR.A: Mr. Bolante, there exists a product called a pill organizer.  You can get them at any drugstore.  You don’t need a former ASec of the DA to help you with your pills. 

Incidentally, at 11am sharp, Joc Joc opens his bag of medicines in full view of everyone and as slowly as an octogenarian with arthritis, takes out his pill and drinks water.  While all the time he keeps on eating crackers so his ulcers will not act up.  What the fuck!  I had chronic ulcers and I know they hurt like hell but I never had such drama in drinking my medicine.

Joc Joc:  Your Honor…

Jinggoy:  (Straight out of The Rock’s script in the WWE)  Wala akong pakialam sino yan mga yan!

Jinggoy:  Mr. Bolante, who appointed you in the Department of Agriculture?

Joc Joc:  Your Honor, I do not know.  The PMS called me.  (or something to that effect as I was busy laughing at Jinggoy’s The Rock impersonation)

Jinggoy continues on asking Bolante’s agricultural background and how Joc Joc was appointed to the Department of Agriculture and, just like Mar Roxas, is dumbfounded at how Joc Joc doesn’t have any idea who recommended him to the position. 

Jinggoy:  Wala kang kakilala sa Malacanang? Kahit sino?

Joc Joc:  Si First Gentleman Mike Arroyo your Honor.

Jinggoy:  Ayun! Magsabi ka ng totoo.  May kinalaman ba siya sa appointment mo sa DA?

Joc Joc:  I would not know.  Wala po siguro. 

Yeah, right.  Jinggoy continues his interpellation and mentions how Bolante was among the first appointees of Mrs. Arroyo when she took over as president.  Of course, Jinggoy is always sharp in pointing out that Arroyo usurped his father’s leadership. Jinggoy continues on… quite satisfied that he doesn’t fail to mention it.

Jinggoy:  Bakit may mga disbursements na napunta sa mga district na wala naman bukid?

Joc Joc:  Your honor, there is such a thing as urban agriculture.  Rep. Zialcita from Paranaque is very proud of his urban agriculture program.  I have a clipping here.  In Chicago, they have a very successful agricultural program that…

Jinggoy:  (in his The Rock mode interrupting JocJoc)  Wala akong pakialam sa Chicago!

MR. A:  Ohohoy!!!

And so Jinggoy finishes his interpellation in much the same way as Mar Roxas - with utter disbelief.  He can’t believe that JocJoc has the audacity to lie right in front of their faces and he can’t believe that the Senators can’t get anything out of him.  Meanwhile, JocJoc continues to munch on his snacks while keeping his calm and composed demeanor.

Next to ask questions is the young senator Chiz Escudero.  His father was the former Agriculture Secretary during the Marcos era.  Yes, a crony.  This probably explains why he, if you ever heard him talk, sounds that way.  He was probably schooled to be a politician and indoctrinated into the political culture at a tender age.  Seriously Chiz, please say the following with feelings… “Ang sarap lalabasan na ako!”.

Chiz: (In his usual monotonous I’m-making-a-speech-in-the-plaza voice) Mr. Bolante ano ang background nyo sa agriculture kung meron man bago kayo inappoint sa DA, meron po ba o wala?

Joc Joc: Meron naman po, tumutulong po ako. (Sa bukid po nila sa Capiz?) Yes, po.

Sen. Chiz: At maliban don wala na kayong karanasan sa agrikultura, sa gobyerno man o sa pribadong sektor?

Joc Joc: Wala po.

Chiz: At inappoint na lang kayo ng PMS as Usec sa agriculture bagaman wala kayong karanasan sa agrikultura at walang nagback-up sa inyo.

Joc Joc: Yes po ang appointment ko po particularly for finance.

Sen. Chiz: Kanina nyo pang sinasabi sa mga kasamahan ko na matagal ng programa ng Dept. of Agriculture yung fertilizer assistance or farm inputs, tama po ba?

Joc Joc: Hindi po program your honor, as I said activity, supporting the various programs of the DA, yung farm implements funding is part of all the various programs of the DA.

Sen. Chiz: So hindi po yan bahagi ng GMA tipid abono bawas gastos saganang ani program?

Joc Joc: Kasam din po siya dyan sir, dyan po.

Sen. Chiz: Sabi po ng CoA G. Bolante 1,250 percent overpriced yung fertilizer, bahagi po ba ito ng tipid abono bawas gastos saganang ani program?

Joc Joc: I’m sure your honor the project implementors should be able to explain that, we have nothing to do with the procurement.

Mr. A: Bring in the soap, water and towel.  The Joker is washing his hands.

And so that was how the conversation goes.  JocJoc washing his hands and Chiz and Bolante having a discussion on the difference between program, activity and funding.  You’ve got to hand it to JocJoc on how he is able to use semantics as a way to go around questions. Mr. A is getting bored until…

Joc Joc: what im saying your honor is that give the project implementor the chance to explain their side.

Chiz; Mr. Undersecretary the CoA has given them four years already to explain but they haven’t able to explain so what im trying to say is wala kayong kinalaman sa pag-implement kaya kung may anomalya yan hindi kayo pwedeng masisi. Kung may sisisihin man, ang sinasabi nyo yung LGU na nag-implement , be the province or the municipality, would that be correct?

Joc Joc: Thank you your honor… 

Joc Joc stops in the middle of his sentence, takes out his bag, looks for his medicine and drinks it. 

MR. A:  Such audacity!  I dare you to do that on Miriam Santiago’s turn. Ha!

Sen. Chiz: Pagpapaganda po ba ng memorya yang ininom nyo?

Bolante: Pwede po bang ma-check ng medical officer ng senado po?

At this point I’m already clapping sarcastically… Chiz continues to elaborate how all the answers of Bolante are hard to digest not unlike the reactions of the two previous senators.  Believe me you will be getting more of the same reactions from the next senators.

At this point, the Chairman of the Committee Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano stands up, bangs his gavel as hard as he can and shouts…

Alan Peter:  I’ve had enough of your lies Mr. Bolante.  Are you going to lie all day long?  I move to conclude this Senate investigation and I want the President here! We’ll have a lunch break and I expect Mrs. Arroyo to be on the stand thereafter.  Call Senate President Villar and let him chair the inquiry.  I want questions answered I want to be the one to ask.

It seems that the young senator has lost it.  Everyone gasps at the absurdity of his statements.  They all know that you cannot summon the president to the Senate as she enjoys immunity from suit.  Looks like Alan Peter has bigger ambitions than just being a senator. 

Meanwhile, his sister, Senator Pia, is ready to run a marathon just to be as far away from her brother as possible. Senators Loren Legarda and Ping Lacson are fuming mad on how they were upstaged by Alan Peter.  They still haven’t had airtime yet and Loren hasn’t reminded everyone that she was allegedly cheated from the Vice Presidency last elections.

Senator Miriam Santiago is salivating, literally drooling, since all the high-falluting vocabulary that would like to come out of her mouth are blurting out all at the same time.  I’m just waiting for her head to turn 360 degrees around. 

While all these things are happening, Joc Joc is still on his chair, eating his snacks and looking at his watch for his next medicine break.

Alan Peter goes inside his chamber and changes clothes.  He reenters the Senate hall dressed in a military gala Navy blue suit, sits on his chair and waits patiently for the President to arrive all the while thinking of the consequences of his impudent actions.

…to be continued

You have got to be kidding me. A certain congressman from the Philippines, probably seeking some media attention, has asked the Philippines’ Games and Amusement Board to stop Manny Pacquiao from fighting Oscar De la Hoya. According to Rufus Rodriguez, the bewildered congressman, he is concerned that Manny Pacquiao might get hurt in the December fight. Talk about supporting your champion! “Manny is a national treasure,” he said. “If something bad happens to Manny in that fight, it’s the government that would be blamed…” Don’t worry Mr. Congressman. There are a lot more infuriating things that the inept government is doing that would make every Filipino angry at you. We’ll let the Manny Pacquiao thing pass.

This fight is probably the biggest fight of the year with tickets selling out in the first two hours of release and grossing $17 million. I, and everyone else who’s looking forward to the fight, am very much aware that it’s a mismatch. With Manny Pacquiao giving away 4 inches in height, 6 inches in reach and a good 10-15 pounds, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets knocked out. But that’s what sports is about. There are favorites and there are underdogs. It’s about training hard and rising to the challenge. I bet the congressman doesn’t know a thing about this.

Look, Manny Pacquiao believes he can win. His trainer, Freddie Roach, believes they can win. At the end of the day, win or lose, they stand to get more than $20 million. With that amount of money, I would believe anything. Heck, with that money, I will fight anyone wearing only my underwear and fishnet body stockings and high heeled pumps.

Oh! I forgot, Oscar De la Hoya has already done that.

Ok… I’ll fight in my underwear and wearing fishnet body stockings and high heeled pumps while drinking contaminated milk from China after every round. Sounds fair to me!

It’s a sad day for my and Mr. A’s alma mater not just because it lost to its archrival in basketball recently but also because one of its alumni appears to be suffering from acute stupidity. Philippine congressman Rufus Rodriguez, awarded “Most Outstanding Alumnus” by our school in 1999, is lobbying to halt the Dec. 6 fight between Manny Pacquiao and Oscar De La Hoya, supposedly out of concern for the risks posed by the Golden Boy’s advantage in height, heft, and experience over the Pacman.

If there’s any case Rufus the Doofus is trying to build here (being a lawyer that he is), it’s one that just adds to longtime impressions that our school’s alumni always put form before substance. Or to put it more succinctly, porma muna bago sustansya. I mean c’mon!  The guy’s a politician first and foremost, and anyone, including Manny himself, can see through his plan.  Props to the congressman, though, for knowing the most important equation in Philippine-style politics: stupid idea = media mileage = political gain.

The real issue here is whether or not De La Hoya’s perceived advantage over Pacquiao merits cancellation of their fight.  I think the lawmaker’s “mismatch” innuendo undermines the institutional integrity of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, which approved the contest, and belittles the working knowledge and the resulting achievements of trainer Freddie Roach, who assures us that his ward could take on, nay, even defeat De La Hoya.  

The one sore thumb in this dream fight - and probably the reason why Rodriguez is raising a howl of protest - is the very obvious motivation for making it happen: it’s all about the money. Perhaps our favorite congressman believes that no good ever comes out of less noble motives.  I hope, for his constituents’ sake, that his running for office was borne out of nobler intents.

I’m not giving up hope on Rodriguez just yet.  His might only be a case of too much proximity with a former Philippine president that they have started to think alike.  That the latter studied at our school’s archrival provides a clue where the Doofus got the inspiration to think up his latest idea, if indeed it involved thinking.

In my recent quest to find the latest ‘it’ thing in fashion… BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right! … I came across this article from the September issue of Preview magazine. Apparently there’s a bar or, shall we say, a VIP Members Only bar inside the controversial Embassy in Taguig. WTF! As if Embassy wasn’t enough. The title of Radioactive Sago Project’s 2007 album quickly came to mind. But then again the criminal mind in me took over and said, “Ohohoy! The cream of the crop of all the shallow, pompous, conceited, self-centered, pretentious party-goers of the city all cramped in one room? Think of the possibilities!”

Normally though, I would avoid this place like an overturned Malabanan truck spilling its freshly sucked septic tank contents all over the place. The only difference is I might vomit once I enter Members Only. (Seriously, can’t they think of a better name for their place? We’re open for suggestions). However, I came up with ten circumstances that might compel me to go into the vain lair.

Assuming that I do get access into this private bar, I, Mr. A, would enter Members Only if:

10. Because of hard times, I have to resort to drug dealing and I want a captured market.

9. I become a CORRUPT police narcotics agent. There’s no point in busting rich and powerful drug addicts in this country. They’ll just bribe themselves out of it.

8. The Gay Aussie blogger who was once a part of this group and now hates them suddenly hires me to assassinate the Gucci Gang.

7. I have a chance to meet and hypnotize Willie Revillame, Cristy Fermin, Boy Abunda and Lolit Solis into killing one another.

6. There’s a magic genie in the place that will grant me all my wishes in my previous article plus 10 more wishes.

5. A brilliant mad scientist has a cure for asthma and he’s willing to give it to me and the meeting place is this bar.

4. All of the members of this club and their friends will donate P 1 million each to my chosen advocacy. I will then use the money and make it a point to bring Mayor Alfredo Lim to Taguig.

3. U2 will hold a private concert and personally invites me and 20 guests of my choice. Also invited in the intimate concert are Charlize Theron, Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, Kate Beckinsale, Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, The cast of Heroes, Gilbert Arenas, The Boston Celtics, Barack Obama, the Pope, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Did I forget to mention that The Cure will front act?

2. Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers and The Cast of High School Musical will have a one-night only show in this place. Yes, that’s how much I love my daughter.

And the Number 1 reason that might compel me to enter Members Only bar ……

 

1. My wife asks me to.