Ohohoy!

ABS-CBN executives are probably wracking their brains right now on what to air on May 3 (Philippine time) when GMA, the rival network, shows the Manny Pacquiao – Ricky Hatton fight.  They already tried to steal away Pacquiao from his contract but typical of ABS-CBN, they had to spill the news even before the deal was done.  How’d they wish now that the Ted Failon – Trinidad Etong incident last week happened two weeks later then they could have squeezed more ratings out of it.

Announcing the results of the fight doesn’t work much as people would still watch the fight even on a delayed and advertisement riddled telecast.  Maybe they could announce the result a day before the actual match.

To help out ABS-CBN with their anticipated mediocre ratings come Pacquiao fight day, here are some of my programming suggestions:

4-hour Ted Failon - Trinidad Etong Special  

As if they haven’t already taken advantage of the Etong tragedy, ABS-CBN can squeeze all the story and hype surrounding the incident.

PART 1:  Maalaala Mo Kaya

Special on The Trinidad Etong Suicide (or is it homicide?).  Ted Failon plays himself and Kris Aquino plays Trinidad Etong.

Entitled: Maalaala Mo Kaya: The Ted Failon – Trinidad Etong Suicide/ Homicide - God Save Us All. An ABS-CBN Exclusive.    Carlo J. Caparas will direct. 

With Kris Aquino in the lead, viewers will start doubting the suicide angle of the story as her acting and annoying voice makes it even more conceivable for any man to kill his own wife.

PART 2:  SOCO: Scene of the Crime Operatives: The Trinidad Etong Case

The Philippines counterpart of CSI, SOCO presents a documentary style solution of crime cases.  The Failon household may have cleaned all traces of evidence in the Crime Scene but ABS-CBN can definitely fabricate any evidence they like as long as it is believable enough for the non-thinking viewers.  To the network, credibility is equal to how much hype you can create on one incident.

PART 3: The Trinidad Etong Autopsy

True to its insensitive nature of reporting other people’s tragedies, the network will show a live autopsy of Trinidad Etong’s dead body.  To turn it into a real circus, they should throw in a bunch of scantily clad gyrating dancers and bring in Willie Revillame to host the show.

Why this will work:  Filipinos, ABS-CBN kapamilya viewers in particular, will bite anything melodramatic they can put their hands on.  True to life soap opera after two weeks of media sensationalism? Very ABS CBN and therefore worth watching for Kapamilyas (ABS CBN fans).

Why this will not work:  The network can’t afford to pay Kris Aquino P10million for the Maalaala Mo Kaya episode.

Celebrity Boxing with Bayani Agbayani

It’s about time Bayani Agbayani SETTLES the issue with his altercation buddy from a restaurant parking lot.  Yet another program where ABS CBN can take advantage of one of their own, this program features a boxing match between Bayani Agbayani going against the man from the parking lot run-in last month. 

Why this will work:  This is definitely a more entertaining watch than the old boxing matches of obscure fighters that ABS-CBN showed during the Nonito Donaire fight last week. 

Why this will not work:  It will start with Bayani cursing his lungs out and calling the other guy names…. And it will end that way.

Man vs. Wild with Boy Abunda

A series showcasing one of ABS-CBN’s top showbiz hosts, Boy Abunda, being dropped in a remote barangay in the Philippines to look for people from far flung areas of the country to interview.  Clad in equestrian boots, Boy Abunda is accompanied by his aide, Jobert Sucaldito as they trek the mountains and tropical jungles of the land and surviving nature and all the obstacles it may unleash. 

First episode: Man vs Wild, Jolo, Sulu

Bringing with him his talent of making superficial and frivolous questions seem like profound inquiries into a person’s soul, Boy Abunda together with Jobert are dropped from a helicopter in the hinterland jungles of Indanan, Sulu, stronghold of the terrorist group, Abu Sayyaf.  They set out to find the bandit group and interview its leader, Albader Parad.

Here is an excerpt of the program:

After hours of walking in the jungle and happy that he wore his equestrian boots, as this has become a good deterrent from the blood sucking leeches that plague the jungle, Boy and Jobert finally find the terrorist lair.  He begins to set up for his exclusive interview with the group’s leader.

Boy Abunda: (in his low deliberately slow-toned voice that makes him sound very serious) Albader Parad, Kung ikaw ay nakaharap sa magic mirror ngayon… ano ang sasabihin mo sa mga militar na humahabol sa inyo?

Parad:  Ano??! (Sabay kamot ng ulo at nagtaka kung ano kinalaman ng magic mirror)

Boy Abunda:  Let me rephrase my question, kung ang pinaglalaban niyo ay Diyos Bayan at Dangal,  ano ang Acronym nun?

Parad: (thinking to himself… D- iyos, B-ayan, D-angal)  DBD? DBD? DBD Boy?

Boy Abunda: Kung may magic mirror kayo? Paano kayo nakakapanood ng TV dito? Bukod sa TV, nakakapanood ba kayo ng mga pelikula?  Sa sinehan ba o …

Parad: DBD…DBD… DBD…

Boy Abunda:  Mabalik tayo sa magic mirror… Kung nakaharap ka nga ngayon sa magic mirror, sino ang mas idol mo? Si FPJ o si Robin Padilla?

WHAPAK!

Parad: Putang ina! Pugutan niyo ng ulo itong baklang ito!  Kanina pa to sa magic mirror niya!  Nasan yun isang baklang mahaba ang buhok? Paliguan niyo na yun at hubaran.  Masyado ako nase-stress!

Boy Abunda: Araay! Dugwoh!  Albader kung ang dugo ay pula, anong kulay nito pag nakaharap ka sa magic mirror?

Why this will work:  The Ces Drilon kidnapping gave ABS-CBN high ratings. Right?  And who doesn’t want to see Boy Abunda being beheaded?

Why this will not work:  All politicians and Presidentiables will swoop down on the Abu Sayyaf interview and try to be hostaged themselves to gain media mileage.

ASAP with WOWOWEE! Special Show

The usual ASAP show doesn’t usually work come Pacquiao fight day so why not combine it with ABS-CBN’s daily noontime show Wowowee.  Make it extremely special by putting in more hosts tripping as they walk together with the reactionary cursing,  more wardrobe malfunctions,  more customary crying as poor contestants are coaxed to tell the story of their sad lives and how Willie Revillame is their only hope in life, and more celebrity revelations ala Rustom Padilla. 

How about Piolo Pascual finally coming out of the closet in a special remote telecast in a Butterfly Garden.  We see him confiding with Sam Milby about his sexuality as butterflies fly around the couple.  When the moment arrives and Piolo Pascual reveals that he is actually PP Gandangsirena, Sam hugs Piolo and kisses him! 

Why this will work:  It’s actually all the gimmicks that the network can muster for the whole year all crammed in a 3-hour special.

Why this will not work:  It’s actually all the gimmicks that the network has already mustered in its television existence.  Nothing new here so move along.

How this will work:  Prior to the airing of the special, announce to everyone (and be sensational about it) that anyone who watches the show will receive a cash prize.  Just line up in front of the venue, camp out if you must and wait for the tickets to be given away a couple of hours before the start.  Oops! I forgot.  They already did this with catastrophic results:  78 dead and 392 injured.

How this can still work for their advantage:  Strategically setup cameras along the queues anticipating another stampede so they have news material that will last them for weeks until the next hot scandal comes out.  I will not be surprised if they actually contemplated on this as they were also the ones who kept on showing (in their station ID) footage of a dying girl trapped in the rubbles of a fallen building during the big earthquake of 1990.

I still have lots of program suggestions like a special on the Hayden Kho sex tapes or some other scandalous celebrity specials but no matter what they air, we will still be watching Manny Pacquiao beat the hell out of the Englishman Hatton.

MANNY! MANNY! MANNY! MANNY!

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